Wednesday, September 3, 2014

I am not crazy....I'm a mom

I just watched Moms' Night Out and I am so happy I did, I could see a little of myself in these moms. I am the stressed out and no one can do it like me mom, I don't want you to make mistakes mom, the over protective mom and the I hear the music but my body only moves in my head mom.
From the first day that I held my daughter in my arms something changed in me, when I held her I would hear the song " If I Could" by Regina Belle playing in my head. I would cry knowing that I could not change the world so I could be guaranteed her safety. I wanted to know that she could never be hurt or go through a pain that I could not take care of. I put that pressure on myself believing I was supermom and I can handle everything.
Moving forward... close to 2 years I gave birth to my second daughter, I smiled knowing that I had two girls. My daughter's were going to be there for each other, best friends and protect each other for the rest of their lives. I knew everything was going to be perfect from now on.
Raising my girls everything seemed to go as planned, my goals were to keep them healthy and happy.
The hubby and I really didn't leave them with family members to go out and when we did we would call just to make ourselves feel better. I drove myself crazy taking the girls to the hospital every time they had a sniffle, I realized I was over doing it the day the doctor said, " it's a toothache".
It's hard to say that I was a perfect mom, but that is who I wanted to be . I have lived my life with this list in my head on what needs to be done and by a certain time. Giving responsibilities to someone else was out of the question. All I could think about is that they could not handle what I do and they are not going to do right ( by who's standards was right?).

There is a part in the movie where the wife/mother tells her husband, " I have the life I always dreamed of but, I am not happy".  I have thought and said that before and that would put such a heavy guilt on my chest.
What I realized from this movie is that I forgot to give myself the oxygen mask first. I put myself last in every scenario in my life and I am praying that one day when I hear music... I will dance.

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